At some point in time we have all run into someone that just drives us crazy!
That no matter what we do we just can’t get ourselves to like them.
And it’s just something about them…well, maybe if we are honest it seems like it is just everything about them!
If you feel this way about a family member or a person at the office you have to ask be asking yourself
“Is there hope?”
“Is it actually possible to turn the relationship around?”
The answer thankful is yes!!!
There is hope for every relationship…yes even the one your thinking of!!
A few years ago i was in a relationship like this.
A family member (who shall remain nameless to protect their identity) was driving me crazy. It seemed like nothing i did was ever quiet right and in my eyes everything she did drove me crazy.
It hit me one day that since we’re family something was going to have to change!
Just avoiding her was not an option.
My number 1 life rule is: “it starts with me.”
so to be true to myself i knew i couldn’t wait for her, it had to be me!!
That’s the first step by the way.
If you want to repair a relationship you have to actually decide you want to.
That might seem like a simple first step but i see so many people making half an effort at tough relationships simple because they didn’t make fixing it a must.
They say they want to, but they’re not fully 100% committed.
And that’s what it takes.
Once you decide that you want to take an active and purposeful role in making a relationship better you have to be all in.
If your not then stay at the sidelines, make the best of the way it is and stop complaining!!
100% committed means not backing out when it gets to hard,
it means not responding with old negative behaviour if they trigger you with something they do,
it means having a vision for your relationship and keeping that in front of you at all times.
Not matter what.
So what was step two?
I had to see that in so many ways we were exactly the same.
I had to take stock of all the ways that we were similar.
Some were super basic - we were both women
Some were a bit deeper - we both desired love, respect, had a need to be heard
and then some were tough to admit - we were both souls created by God connected through him to one another, we had oneness.
and as i focused on our ‘sameness’ the first seeds of compassion start to sprout in my heart.
Which made step three just a little bit easier.
I began to keep an eye out for what we had in common.
So often when we naturally clash with someone we spend most of our time focusing on our differences. Which tends to only make them larger.
By being aware of where my focus was i could shift it to bring to the light where our common ground could be found.
We both were passionate about our families and would do anything for our kids
We both loved fashion and shopping
We both hated country music and loved to make fun of country songs.
I began to make sure that when we were together we would spent time in the areas were we hand common interests and stay away from the things that brought contention.
The more i did this the more i realized she was a funny thoughtful person, someone i could share fashion ideas with and laugh about botched outfits with.
Someone i could share the struggle of motherhood with and we could brainstorm ideas on how to keep our kids from being on their iPads too much.
My heart was thawing more and more!
Now this isn’t to say that there weren’t things that bothered me!
of course there where.
but the less i focused on them the less important they seemed, and the quicker i could get over them, even if they seemed intentional.
But i realized there was more work to do…
Which brought me to step 4
i realized that i had to release
after years and years of frustration and annoyance and hurt and blame i had to let go.
Let go of the snarky things that were said, let go of the insults, the cold shoulder, the lack for support.
Because if you don’t let go of them they lay quietly under the surface, waiting for a moment of weakness, when they will jump up and pounce on you dragging you down into behaviours you thought you had left behind!
So i let go, when a memory would come up, or a reminder of a hard time, i just let go, i felt the pain of it and then i said good bye to it.
Not easy at first, but it got easier with time and practice. until one day i realized that i had let go of so much that my eyes where open and clear when i looked at her.
I could see my own snarky remarks, my own moments of cold shoulders towards her, how i had hurt her and held back my love.
I could finally see her pain as well.which lead me to my last step…at least at the time of this writing
i had to forgive.
both me and her
we had both done things and acted in ways the were not a reflection of who we truly are.
So i forgave her…and by her actions after a while i could sense she had forgiven me too.